Today I write to you with a sadness that is beyond overwhelming.
Recently, my beloved Godmama died suddenly with no indication of previous illness. Fortunately, Godpapa and my cousin were with her. She wouldn't have been aware of heart stopping. She was too young to leave this world so quickly.
To try and tell you of what a wonderful woman she was is just words that will be skimmed over...but she was like no-one I had ever met, or likely to meet again. I count my blessings that she loved me from the moment of my arrival. And to be loved by her is...was joyful. In recent years I came to know that she gave-up a lavish wedding in order to have me as her (only) bridesmaid; that she was cornered into "not bestowing" upon me; that her heart, mind and home were more open to me than that of my paternal mother.
I could go on.
But what I would most like to share is "raw emotion."
When death is sudden the shock it creates is of a magnitude quite beyond comprehension.
I felt my heart squeeze to try and restrict pain.
I noticed my lungs tighten to refuse oxygen.
I was aware of a knot in my stomach that was pulling my appetite into nothingness.
And my head...
The headache that constantly accompanies a myriad of memories playing behind my eyes.
My dreams that are nightmares which will forever leave a disgusting imprint in my skull.
The invisible, unrelenting pressure of the outside world against my crown.
My eyes are tired of searching for beauty.
The tears are still full and round.
A funeral is a place to say goodbye.
The afterwards is to try and get back to routines.
I don't warrant these as my truths.
It's not that I am being obstinate or stubborn, Heaven only knows how much I would like to feel OK about her dying...but I'm not. I'm devastated.
I do understand that time lessens the intensity of loss and pain...and grief.
It is a good thing to keep memories alive by speaking, sharing and enjoying.
I have a photograph in my house, the only one currently on show. It is a 10 x 8 b/w of my Godparent's wedding day with myself as a little girl in a pretty dress and smile so pure.
I will forever love my darling Godmama. RIP.
